So, after almost three weeks of daily prayer, what kind of thought pops up most frequently in my should-be-clear mind?
I think about what I’d rather be doing or what I think I should be doing instead of praying.
I wonder if that email I’ve been waiting for is sitting in my inbox.
I can’t believe I still didn’t finish the dishes!
Ooh, great idea for a blog post…
It’s relentless, this flood of thoughts about alternative universes in which I’m doing something else, either something that’s more fun or something that feels more productive.
And here’s what all these thoughts really mean: I can’t possibly be satisfied right here, right now. There are so many other, better things I could be doing.
And then I realized I actually think this kind of thought all day long. Most people I know do. It’s evident in what we say to each other. Particularly in the place where I currently spend the most time: work.
“I quit, let’s go to Hawaii.”
“Things will be different when I’m in charge someday…”
It’s so very tempting to think and say these things when I’m at work in my gray, dim cubicle maze of a building. I wonder what it all means. I wish I were anywhere but there.
But what I’m really saying is, No thanks, God, I don’t want to be thankful for the fact that I have a job. I’m not interested in appreciating the current moment. I don’t think there’s any value in my presence in this place. There’s nothing to learn, no way you can use me.
Weird to think about, how resistant I am to appreciating the present. I hope that my struggle to stay present in the moment through prayer can spill over into the rest of my life.
Today’s 15 minutes of prayer: Ended the day kneeling on that fuzzy orange bath mat.